I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
