nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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