There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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