Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
