i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
