i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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