I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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