I just pynch a tree in the face
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
