Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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