If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
