I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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