I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
