exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
