I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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