im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
