I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
