Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
