I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
