im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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