My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
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In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
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I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where