I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
