If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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