U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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