i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
