I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
