it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
