Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
