Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
