The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
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Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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