One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
