as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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