Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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