I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
