He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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