tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
