so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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