I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
