You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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