dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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