this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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