fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
