6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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