I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
