Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
