My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
