yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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