I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
