God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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