Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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