If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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