My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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