Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Pants are for mortals
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
