Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This baby is an asshole
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
