matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
