I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
why is half of my head shaved?
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