i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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