i was born a porn star she said
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
