Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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