last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
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Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.