pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN