My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?