Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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