I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My balls are so social today.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
